We’ve all been there. You’ve just read this article telling you how using a dildo to hit that certain part of your vagina feels amazing. Or that video telling you all about using a butt plug to get some amazing prostate orgasms. The only problem is, you don’t have one.
You’re turned on NOW though. You go scrambling around the house, looking for anything roughly penis shaped that you could put into your body. Will that do? Will it be safe? Will it get lost? The answers are usually No, No, and Probably. So just what can you actually use to get yourself off that you don’t have to buy from a store. Read on my horny pupil, and you might just find something.
Objects you find lying around your house.
These things are all objects which you could literally just pick up and use. Some will be safer than others, but in a pinch, most will do the job. Most commonly found objects you can use as a sex toy include:
Candles
The perfect shape for sexual use, and not too girthy, a candle will work perfectly well in both the vagina and anus. Some can be quite fragile though, so be careful they don’t snap while inside you.
Fruit and Vegetables
Greens can be great as a makeshift toy, as long as they aren’t too ripe. Things that you’ve had a bit longer can be softer, so are more likely to go squish once inside the body.
Ice
Probably the safest thing in the house to put in your body, as long as the water is clean. You can use cubes, or if you’re feeling adventurous freeze water in an ice lolly mould for a nice cold dildo. You’ll probably want to put some towels down so water doesn’t get everywhere.
Tampons
I wouldn’t go for this one, but some people use them often. They’re the right shape, and they go in the vagina anyway, but they are usually made of fabrics which are going to soak up all the bacteria in your body. There’s toxic shock syndrome to worry about too.
Back Massagers
These are already designed to massage your body, so why not give them a go on some of the more sensitive areas? Just be sure to watch out for any moving parts.
The Wooden Spoon
Two in one! You can spank people with the spoon end or insert the handle end. Wood will generally harbour a lot more bacteria though, so be sure these are nice and clean.
Feather Duster
Perfect for a little stroking and teasing.
Scarves or Wraps
A useful alternative when you don’t have handcuffs lying around.
Ping Pong Paddles
Sometimes even better than a whip!
Toothbrushes
If you’re going to put a toothbrush into your private areas, can you at least have a separate one for your mouth? Using one for both is a definite route to disaster. On a more positive note though, some toothbrushes vibrate, if you know what I’m getting at.
Dog Toys
I’m not too sure what to say about this one. If it’s the right shape, and it’s made of strong solid materials then I guess it could work, but something about using a dog toy would probably kill the mood for me.
Not sure where to get started? Ever wondered which of these homemade pleasures best represents your inner sexual identity? If the answer to either of these questions is “yes,” then this ‘Which DIY Sex Toy Are You’ quiz is exactly what you’ve been looking for! Find your answer right now!
None of these are perfectly safe if you plan on using them internally. Except ice. Ice melts into water and our bodies are made up of water, so as long as the water you froze is clean, you should be fine with that one. Each of the others though carry at least some risk of being lost inside your body. Luckily the vagina is a bit of a safe haven here, as the cervix will remain closed stopping things going too far. If you use them anally though, they can literally travel all the way through the rectum and become lodged in the colon, needing a hospital trip to remove. If you decide to use any of these objects anally be very, very careful you don’t lose your grip.
Self-Made/DIY Sex Toys
These ones are a little more complicated, and take a little more time. If you’re in the heat of the moment, then they won’t be ideal for you. As a more long-term solution though, they could be both quite fun to make, and work very well as you can design them exactly how you want to. Homemade DIY sex toy projects include:
The Clone a Willy
This is a kit that lets you make a mould of anyone’s penis. The material will be soft when prepared, letting you press your partners penis in. Once dry, you can use ice, chocolate or whatever you want to create a homemade dildo.
Clay Moulding
If you’re into pottery, then how about trying to create your own sexual masterpiece? It can be whatever size or shape you’d be comfortable inserting, but you’ll probably need to put a coating on it before you use it.
Glass Firing
Many sex toys sold online and in stores are made of glass. If you’re good at working glass, then you could skip out the middle man and make your toys yourself.
Wood Carving
Another skill that can be turned to sex toys, if you can carve yourself a dildo then why not? Sometimes these are even sold as bespoke pieces, but just like clay toys, you’ll probably need to coat them to protect the wood and your body.
Diy Plunger Dildo
One of the weirdest sets of instructions I’ve ever seen. Do you remember old mobile phones with antennas on top? Essentially you take the coating from those, attach them to the top of a plunger with tape, then stick the plunger to the wall and hump away. I’m not going to judge, but at that point it would probably be easier to just buy a dildo.
As you would make these sex toys yourself, you are able to design them in a way that they will be safe to use. This can include bases on anything to be used anally, and sizes to suit your own particular body. If you must use a homemade sex toy, these ones will be safer in general.
Why You Shouldn’t Use Homemade Sex Toys
So, I’ve given you what you came here for. You now have a growing list of suitable things you can stick into your private places. Now I’m going to tell you why you shouldn’t.
Firstly, and perhaps most importantly, these objects are not made to be inserted into the human body! They aren’t designed to be safe, they can fall apart, or in the worst cases they can even pierce some of your internal muscles. Even if you find something that you think is smooth and rounded, if it goes in at the wrong angle it’s still going to hit parts of your body that you should be leaving alone.
The second big issue is hygiene. While you might have cleaned everything off prior to using them, general household objects could still be carrying all kinds of bacteria that normally wouldn’t be introduced to your insides. Regularly doing this is a sure way to give yourself some quite nasty bacterial infections or yeast infections.
Finally, and most dramatically. You could end up in hospital! Even if you manage to get off with your toy, it’s so much easier to lose these objects inside yourself. Almost any doctor who has worked in the E.R. will have all kinds of stories of things that have needed to be removed from people’s bodies. Most of them will have once been like you, thinking that nothing will go wrong if they try it this once. It’s just not worth the risk unless you want to become the next Junior doctor’s story to their friends.
Buy a Real Sex Toy!
Seriously. They really aren’t that expensive anymore. They are designed specifically to be used in these parts of your body. Any moving parts in them will be properly encased and kept away from your insides. They are made of body safe materials. They are meant to bring you pleasure so they’ll feel better. The list goes on and on.
If you truly want to enjoy sexual experimentation, there really isn’t any alternative to a properly manufactured, body safe sex toy. If you absolutely must use household objects we take no responsibility for what happens. And trust me, it’ll happen eventually…